I am not here in existence to be held to remain in your discomfort. I am not here existing differently from you, to be doomed to comparing contrasts. I do not exist for you to be reacquainted with yourself as a “good person”.

Your preoccupation with gender, is nothing I am here meant to suffer within the confines of. Your worry, your fear, your inadequacy, has nothing to do with me or my genderless fashion of existing.

I am bewildered and tired of other people’s limitations holding me back.

I am tired of being compared rather than understood.

Oh, just hold back your worry enough for me to enjoy myself in this existence. Before you preemptively caution me of what’s to come or of what may, witness how freely I exist without you.

And Lord, let me Be.

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We both say we came from love at first sight.
We both say we were sustained by nature continuing our love forwards.
And then, we both agree we ended “us” mutually.
Yet we both have very different stories.
Living without You has set me free, as living with you set me free in different ways. I recognize how I was too-much captivated by my love for you mistaken as ours, Now.
Now, we both can feel broken or strong. For getting this far.
I choose to feel whole and forgive You.
Will you forgive Me too?
I am not waiting to see, and this is what sets me free.

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Loving you I found myself. It doesn’t matter to me how you turned out to be because it brought me to love you.
I’m thankful for you in my life even while you aren’t hear anymore.
Your love for me was kindness that I had been longing for my whole life. It doesn’t matter to me if you aren’t here anymore.
But also it matters to me. Because I feel feelings.

I am so thankful to have found myself feeling my feelings.
I am so thankful for having found myself being grateful for once.
I will always love you no matter how are you hurt me because this love is unwavering.
Not because you aren’t hurtful.

Loving you has reminded me that I am whole.
I thank Me for that.

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Beginning to live sober requires recognizing you ever weren’t.

hand holding smoke with dark solid background

Accepting past abusive ways of relating with substances, relationships with other people, and your relationship with yourself.
This self-reflection is Sobriety. Waking up to the cold realization that you have been lost. That you have been losing yourself in addiction.
This is a painful and necessary process for healing.

Healing is the only way we can move forward living; I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought of death.
But death isn’t for me yet,
Yet I don’t know what is.
I guess it is this present moment, I guess it is Me who does this work, I guess it’s me who has to push me through this.
At least I know I can. Because I’m astounded at what I’ve been through.
This looks like Me beginning Sobriety.

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I fucking love singing.
To love myself would be to allow myself to sing, though I’ve found it against my consent because my voice is not my voice, because I am trans.
See, I’ve always struggled with self-love.
Because I so badly live in guilt of my allowance of the hurt that’s been done onto me throughout my life.
Because I feel so guilty for my fragility.
I am guilty for my addictions throughout the past.
I am sober and have been for about one year…
I wasn’t sober for half a decade or more years prior.
I am questioning what it means to love myself
This in and of itself is revolutionary.
I am astounded by my strength.
I vow to try loving Me more
Everyday.

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Skylyn Ash Rafert-Lucifer

Skylyn Ash Rafert-Lucifer

3 Followers

They/Them/He Emotionally Creative Solo-Polyamorous Person Learning about myself and life, etc. through Reflection.